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Welcome to Tough Love. We’re answering your questions about dating, breakups, and everything in between. Our advice giver is Blair Braverman, dogsled racer and author of Small Game and Welcome to the Goddamn Ice Cube. Have a question of your own? Write to us at [email protected].
I’m a dad, and my daughter and I have always gone backpacking together, just the two of us. It’s become a very special part of our relationship. We get time to talk, and she tells me about her life and what she’s thinking about. I always let her choose the destination.
She just turned 12, and I know she’s started her period, although that’s something that she talks about with her mom, not me. She’s asked me to pick up pads before, which I’m happy to do, but otherwise it doesn’t come up. She’s also at an age where she’s developing more privacy around her body, which I completely understand and respect.
Now that she’s getting older, how can I make sure she has the space and privacy she needs while we’re backpacking together, without making her feel like she should be embarrassed, or like I’m being weird about her growing up?
I think it’s fantastic that you’re thinking about this, and also fantastic that you take these trips together. You’re taking your daughter seriously as an adventurer, an athlete, and a person with goals and ideas and dreams—and you’re also modeling the kind of thoughtfulness and respect that she should expect from men in her life, and from people in general. I’m sure this time together means the world to her.
It seems like you’ve established a chill and supportive relationship with your daughter, which means that most of the work, in this case, is already done. She knows that she can come to you if she needs to, and that you’ll follow her lead when it comes to privacy. You and her mom should confer, just the two of you, to make sure your daughter has the information, products, and anything else she’ll need.
If your daughter has her period in the backcountry, she’ll have to carry out any used menstrual products, which she can seal in a ziplock bag; it’s nice to put that ziplock inside another bag—an opaque one—for discretion. If you’re in bear country, she’ll also have to keep that bag in bear-proof storage overnight, along with your food, trash, and anything else that might attract critters. If you’re hoisting a bear bag, or filling a bear canister, and she adds a pouch to it, don’t bat an eye and don’t ask questions. And if you notice that she seems extra sensitive, don’t take it personally; just try to stay calm and supportive.
Periods can be unpredictable, and even if your daughter thinks she’s prepared, she could still be taken by surprise. It’s not a bad idea for you to tuck some pads and tampons in your own bag, too, along with hand sanitizer, wet wipes, and Advil for cramps. Odds are that she won’t need them—but if she does, then having those supplies will make all the difference. You don’t even have to mention them unless it comes up.
Similarly, you can give your daughter space without really drawing attention to it. Make sure she gets some time alone in the tent, so she can change clothes and do whatever else she needs to do. Maybe come up with an excuse to putter around the campsite for a few minutes after she goes to bed, and for a few minutes in the morning, too. And even though you can’t knock on a tent door, give her a head’s up before entering instead of just barging in.
Your daughter’s at a confusing stage right now. She might feel confident one moment, and insecure the next; she might want to take more responsibility and leadership on your trek, or she might enjoy just being able to lean on her dad. The great thing is that you can give her all of this. Let her take the lead during the day, or handle navigation, then cuddle against you by the fire and play “I Spy.” You’re her dad, and you’re there for her—whether she’s feeling grown-up or like a little kid, and everything in between.
My friend and I have been camping and road-tripping together and she has no sense of personal space or privacy. We’ve been friends for a long time, so I always knew that she was pretty open about her body. She changes right in front of me, and so on, which I don’t mind at all. To me, that’s just basic locker room stuff. The thing is that lately she’s almost become more…aggressive about it? Not in an overt way, but I just notice that she’s doing things in front of me that I have always considered to be private activities. She doesn’t even try to go behind a tree anymore when she goes to the bathroom, and will hold a conversation with me the whole time, even when I’m clearly trying to give her space.
She’s struggled with shame around her body, so I’ve been hesitant to say something, because I don’t want to bring that up for her again or make her feel like she should be embarrassed. But I also think that if she does these things around other people, they may judge her, and I want to protect her from that. How can I steer her toward more appropriate boundaries when it comes to bodily functions?
This is a clear example of a case where it’s okay—and good!—to not overthink things. You’re worried about your friend’s battles with shame, about her sense of boundaries, about whether her behavior might have social repercussions later on. But actually, the real problem is that she’s doing bathroom-y stuff in front of you and you don’t like it. Try this line next time: “You know what? I’m gonna turn around while you do that. It’s not about you, it’s about me.” She should get the hint pretty quickly—both that you’re not into it, and that other people might be uncomfortable, too.
The post My 12-Year-Old Started Her Period. How Can I Support Her While Backpacking? appeared first on Outside Online.
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